They were supposed to meet at the River Kiertämä... They Never Made It... SAUNA

Once upon a time, in the barren wilderness, there was a swamp,  with a sauna ...

When the monks came there, long ago, they built a monastery and a village beside it. They thought they could wash away their sins in the sauna... Then they misteriously disappeared...

In 1595, after the 25-year war between Sweden and Russia, a delegation with two brothers, Erik and Knut, and a Russian team have been appointed by both warring parties to map the new borders between the countries, right through the forbidding wastelands of northern Finland. Erik, the older brother, is ageing and has built his whole existence around the war and is not happy that it's finally ended: He believes he has not yet received the prosperity and protection for himself and his family that he deserves. Now he's being robbed of what's his, and he is becoming cynicism and bitterness personified; having killed 73 men, women and children (apparently) he let's his vengeful wrath fall upon a father with his young daughter, stabbing him 73 times. His younger brother Knut, an aspiring academic, is attracted by the girl and locks her up in order to save her from the anger of his brother. But when they leave they forget to let her out...

After a while Knut starts hearing the girl's lamentable whispers in the wind; he sees her across the wastes as a ghost dressed in white. At the same time the commission stumble upon a village. They ask if they pay tax to the Swedish king or the Czar, but they have no idea where they belong. But this fact is the least of the map writers' worries now... It's a strange village, right in the middle of a stretch of wetland, with 73 people, including only one child. And there's a white building right in the middle of the swamp -- a sauna, where, traditionally, the new-born children and the dead were washed from their sins...

Sauna (2008) is something rare as a Finnish horror film. Though Dark Floors was a co-production between Finland and Iceland, we Scandinavians are more used to having our Nordic horror flicks coming out of Norway or Denmark, mainly. Sauna is a very skilfully crafted film that slowly builds up tension; it creates a mood of absolute despondency and fear of the unknown -- all the film's character is built upon layers and layers of smothering uneasiness and dread, created from a beautiful environment with a lovely cinematography. There aren't any prominent special effects, what I can see; there's only some blood. More important, however, is the wonderful performance of the brothers that leads us through a waking nightmare that starts out subtly and slowly and culminates in a shocking display of macabre and beautiful horror.

I must confess I do not completely understand Sauna; but that's not a problem, because logic and safety is not always the most promissing attribute for a movie such as this. To be on the safe side, you could see this  as a journey through the dark minds of twisted psyches, tormented by the desolate landscape surrounding them ... just to be on the safe side ... If you really want to.

The Bastard Offpring of A Bastard Half Breed -- The Descent: Part CRAP!!!

Yeah, I also want to scream my head off, right now...

I thought I'd give it a try, a fair chance ... My God! Forgetting about its predecessor and its director; trying to make head or tail out of all the loose ends; imagining not having flashbacks, throughout, towards the original British masterpiece; fighting hard not to soil myself because of the lousiness of the film ... Damn! It's no use: The Descent: Part 2 is almost as bad in its own right, shouldn't it have been the painful truth that it's a crippled sequel to a misbegotten Americanized, alternative version of the original Neil Marshall film... The Yankees can have their Descent US-chicken-out-bastard-sell-out-feel-better-vanilla-edition if they want to, but trying to make a successful enterprize out this concept makes me want to vomit my innards, I kid you not! The Descent will always be the one and only 2000+ horror/suspense classic with a rarely seen perfect combination of claustrophobia, fear and despair. I'm just sorry that Neil Marshall had to be credited as Executive Producer for The Descent: Part 2 ... However, I'm certain that he cannot be to blame for what was going on with the actual film, in a creative manner so to speak... Anyway: The Descent is DEAD; long live THE DESCENT!!!

Is the fate of SEUL Irreversible? Gaspar Noé's I STAND ALONE

There's nothing to it. It's the life of a sorry chump. They should write that someday. The story of a man like so many others, as common as can be. It starts off in France, shithole of cheese and Nazi lovers.

Seul contre tous (I Stand Alone, 1998): Hell, I spent six years studying the beauty of French and the next 13 years denying it. Well, that’s until a few years ago when I got a job at a school that partly included teaching twelve-year-olds the language. So it goes... At approximately the same time I’d got hold of a non-subtitled French print of High Tension, trying to understand normal-paced speech, not getting the complete picture but at least figuring out the basics of the plots and discussions.

Now, having somewhat fallen in love again with the frog parley it’s not because of Mireille Mathieu’s soft vocal cords but the vulgar and brutal rambles of hard, cynical and maladjusted middle-aged white men with a whisky voice and beginning beer gut. As with our hero in I Stand Alone: He is the personification of the whole movie, which in its turn is the complete embodiment of one thing only – you’re alone in this world (that is, apart from life being totally pointless and you’re nothing but shit etc, etc, yada-yada...)!

Not much really happens in this film, if you subtract the brutal wife-beating and the cathartic, mental wanderings of our dear protagonist. Instead it’s a slow-paced analysis of what goes on, within and without; and it’s all told in the first person narrative – through the eyes of our main character, our dear butcher. What we’re given from the start is a real downer. The film is a complete display of misanthropy and degradation, though brought to us with a certain amount of black comedy for those who might appreciate it that way. But is it really that a despondent tale? Well, he’s at least out to search for his lost daughter; thus it would seem that the ultimate, turnaround ending of the film brings us some genuine hope – so did director Gaspar Noé ultimately chicken?

Whatever it may be, it’s still a quite good and inteligent little movie. What I like most about Seul, apart from the maddened droning of the butcher, is the sound effects of vocal “booms” and the deranged, beehive murmurs accompanying the deteriorating monologues of the film.

Finally, the butcher is lovely portrayed by Philippe Nahon, who you can also see in a number of other disinherited, bastard films of La France -- first of all I suggest you look for him in the wonderful Haute Tension by Alexandre Aja... 

A French Fried Somewhere In Betwixt ... Pascal Laugier's MARTYRS

Lucie was only a victim. Like all the others...

Martyrs (2008) is neither the best nor the worst French shocker in recent years. Numero uno is still Haute Tension (aka. High Tension), while the old front-runner Baby Blood being the most entertaining one. For some seriously sub-par efforts, though, I would reserve a couple of seats for Baise-Moi (no, Rape/Revenge is not made the way it used to) and the recently produced Vertige (and, no we’re not going to say anything about this sleeper).

Anyway, as it appears to me you could either love or hate Martyrs. Personally, ambiguous feelings dominate my view of this film: It’s divided into two main, clearly distinct, parts – the first being the interesting and frightening one; the second being the derivative, boring one. Those of you who have already seen it might just have a clue of what I mean.

But here you have it: The now grown-up, tortured child returns to seek her revenge. She is followed by the mental spectre of a fellow sufferer she couldn’t help while busy making her escape; this phantom from the past forcing her to inflict pain and death in order to make amends. Then she dies, having avenged herself and her ghostly companion. So what’s next? The other part, then: The victim’s friend comes along, cannot save the day, and is herself taken captive by the religious sect with the only goal to create true martyrs who, through immense suffering, will tell them about the mysteries of what lies beyond death. And this, did I forget to tell you (?), is the lesser part of the movie: Not really bad, but quite boring (at least during the second viewing) – we are carried through some vicious tortures that leave nothing to the imagination. The ending, though arguably ripped from the far superior Los sin nombre, is still a good thing since it somewhat redeems the degenerating plot and gives us the usual, welcome feeling of “Hardy-har-har! You all got what they deserved, suckers... Well most you ... I guess.”

All-in-all, I still believe Martyrs is worth seeing, perhaps even owning – especially in a Noble kind of way, don’t you think?

[REQ] Earlie Camp Slaughter Review From Ye Olde Days of Darkdisc.com, in Swedish!

Här är min tidiga recension av Camp Slaughter som efterfrågats. Jag skrev den några dagar efter jag sett den på biografen och skickade texten tillsammans med bild på Marklund till den tidiga Darkdisc-sajten där jag skrev krönikor och annat under en period... Enjoy!

CAMP SLAUGHTER

I rollerna: Annika Marklund,

Fred Andersson,

Christian Magdu, m.fl.

Regi: Martin Munthe

Manus: Alina Warne

Producent: Anneli Engström

Distributör: Sandrews

Biopremiär: 17 januari

DVD-premiär: 5 maj

”Skrattretande skräckis”, ”Överkorkad dialog”, och ”Nicke Lilltrolldrama” – det var dessa kritikerrosade uttalanden som fick mig att gå till gamla Palladium i Växjö och se CAMP SLAUGHTER på vita duken. Det är en nyproducerad svensk skräckfilm, vilket sannerligen inte tillhör vanligheterna och bara det faktum stärkte mig i mitt beslut. Från början var storyn redan klar: En tokig kvinna bor i ett slott med sin nedbrutne make och deras förtryckta son. Modern ligger med sonen i ett försök att få sin efterlängtade dotter (”Pretty Bunny”), men får ännu en son som hon klär i klänning och huva och slänger ner i en brunn. Döm om min förvåning när ett gäng ungdomar strax därefter slår sig ner i ett hus i skogen intill och sedan stöter på lilla ”Pretty Bunny” som precis har flytt ur fångenskapen. Hubba! Handlingen är inget att klaga på egentligen (jag har sett värre!). Den följer inte alltför slaviskt de klassiska slasher- och stalkerfilmerna THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, FRIDAY THE 13TH och HALLOWEEN. CAMP SLAUGHTER berättar två historier och tyvärr är det inte oväntat den mer intressanta delen om den dysfunktionella och inavlade familjen och dess psykologiska processer som får ge vika alltför tidigt för blod och halshuggningar. Detta var annars något man kunde ha spunnit vidare lite mer på istället för att överfokusera på de tråkiga festerna och låtsasdialogerna mellan de kåta och slaktfärdiga ungdomarna.

”Nu vänder jag mig inte om … nu vänder jag mig om!”

Det märks att det är en lågbudgetfilm. Ofta verkar man ha problem med ljussättningen. Många scener i dagsljus blir antingen helt vita eller gula, vilket vore helt okej om filmen var medvetet impressionistisk. De nattliga, eller mer mörka, scenerna lider av färglöshet och är helt igenom svarta och grå, något som jag inte tyckte var lika illa eftersom filmen får en ganska passande sjaskig dokumentärlook. Gråskalan tycker jag faktiskt förbättrar filmen medan ljussättningen på dagen förvärrar den. En större miss är dock att man inte låter skådisarna tala svenska. Nog för att dessa filmer ska vara kitschiga, men engelskan är väldigt irriterande och löjlig, för att inte tala om huvudpersonernas namn: Håller du inte med om det, ”Fluffy”? Ljudet som helhet är överlag väldigt bra, med läskiga och psykedeliska skrämseleffekter som träffar helt rätt.

Visst känner man pressen från alla filmkritiker att diskvalificera denna film som skrattretande och löjlig. Filmkvaliteten är inte bra (åtminstone inte på bioduken), dialogen är dålig och skådespelarinsatserna knappast lämpade för Oscarsgalan. Specialeffekterna är i alla fall inte så dåliga som man skulle kunna tro och några genuint skrämmande scener går faktist att finna, säkert mycket på grund av den mörka inspelningen. Däremot blir filmen lite tråkig på sina ställen, med för mycket dialog, utdraget festande och marshmallowsätande. Trots det negativa kände jag ett genuint intresse för filmen. Jag kände ett pirr inuti kroppen, en känsla av lust man fick när man var barn och lekte. CAMP SLAUGHTER ser jag i första hand som ett uttryck för skaparglädje och en kärlek för film. Jag ser med glädje hellre dessa så kallade B- och C-filmer med alla sina brister och får en upplevelse än på moderna och perfekta storbudgeterade Hollywoodproduktioner som jag glömmer bort en timme senare. Jag föredrar således filmer med själ.

DVD-premiären är spikad till 5 maj och för dryga 200-lappen får du en dubbeldiskutgåva med extramaterial: videodagbok, featurette, bortklippta scener, outtakes/bloopers, special effects, kommentatorspår, trailers och kortfilmen THE HAUNTING OF CAMP SLAUGHTER.

At Chirstmas The Wicked Have To Be PUNISHED! -- Silent Night, Deadly Night

This must be one of the most basic and/or ultimate "Santa Slayer Movies"... Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984) has finally found a place to call home inside my sparsely spaced DVD-closet; it took a few years of negotiating the terms, but eventually it came to me in the form of a cheap, bare-bones copy from our Swedish joy and pride -- Noble Entertainment. Why not? If there's not any international copy that has much better transfer or extra material, and if doesn't cost anymore than a dime a piece...

Anyway, it's not a great movie; it's not even a good movie throughout. But it's definately a fun and quite violent little piece that, according to the blurb on the back cover, was the cause of moral panic among parents when it came (but what film wasn't back then?!). It's about a little boy who visits his grandfather at an asylum (what parents takes their children to such a place?): The old man (a funny looking bastard) appears to be in a state of total mental oblivion and suddenly both Gramp's son and daughter-in-law take a hike, leaving the two of them alone in the visiting room (my god, that would make even me a good parent...). What follows, in my opinion, is the film's most redeeming quality -- it's a shot where the old fart suddely wakes out of his catatonia (or more likely: the feigned one) and menacingly and traumatizingly begins to describe how Santa Clause really punishes all the kids that have been bad... When they're on the way home, the family is later that night attacked and the parents visciously killed by a robber and murderer all dressed and in you-know-who... ho-ho-hooo! 

The little boy is then raised in an orphanage, with his little brother, where he learns the hard way how the wicked are always found out and punished. The years pass and our little boy grows to be big and handsome young lad (a disturbed, blond nutcase pupped up with steroids, all the same...). When everything appears to have worked out for him; he's gotten a job; he's fallen in love with a beautiful girl... But it's almost Christmas again... And this time he will be Santa! PUNISH!!!

Fast, Furious, Sexy ... And Guilty Fun -- Neil Marshall's DOOMSDAY (and I'm not ashamed of it...)

So, now I've finally seen it -- Neil Marshall's Doomsday (2008). I have heard some quite different opinions about it so, in view of his relatively recent masterpieces Dog Soldiers and Descent (a lot more than decent, in every way ;-), I decided to keep an open mind, not having any high expectations whatsoever. But, lo and behold, how dreadful... Was it a volcano, some religious stuff with my former squeeze Amy Dolenz... or was I just fast forwarding too relentlessly to understand? But wait a minute; where's Marshall's credits? WTF -- this is the wrong movie!

It's plain Doomsday (minus 2012, however further in the future) and non-stop action from the start. I really like the way the English seal off Scotland the same way the old Romans did a couple of thousand years before, in order to keep away the wild tribes of Scots and Picts that used to plague the colony of Britannica. They did it, then, by building Hadrian's Wall (after the current ruler of Rome). So, in the future, they keep away the Scotsmen once again by creating a new, better high-tech wall with guns and surveillance; this time to protect themself from the new, completely lethal virus that started to spread up north with the speed of an avalanche. But there's an uninfected child that gets away and is raised in England where she finally becomes a highly professional, able-minded (as well as able-bodied) police officer, schooled in the arts of arms and combat.

Rhona Mitra plays this nice looking woman who gets the hazardous, top-secret mission to infiltrate the newly discovered survivors off the virus in Scotland in order to find a vaccin for the decease that is beginning to spread among the citizens of London, threatening to turn the complete UK into violent savagery. Bob Hoskins has a good part as Mitras superior, but my favourite actor in this flick is witout question the old Clockwork Orange delinquent, Malcolm McDowell.

As I said, it's non-stop action... and my favourite scene is when the tribe leader's fierce and nasty, punk-ass girlfiend is decapitated and subsequently put beside him in his car during the ultimate Mad Max high-speed chase towards the end of the film (then again, don't forget the sharp-shooting topless lady in the bath tub)... Ok, it's not a masterpiece, but there's a bit more to this film than just a vain and blasphemous attempt from Neil Marshall to further his career and wealth by trying to copy some shots from Mad Max, Escape from New York and other films that seem to have highly inspired him in creating Doomsday. I know many people may hate him for having the great audacity to try and create a new apocalyptical classic in this way, but I cannot help really enjoying this film for what it is -- a highly entertaining film, that is not great, but good; a film that is not a new Dog Soldiers or a new Descent ... but a film well above average in most ways. That's enough for me.

This Year's Mastertons #2

I'll continue doing it because I know I can... Of course I've continued my feat of re-harvesting the work of Graham Masterton, one of the most exciting horror/suspense authors of our time...

Walkers (1989) is the second and last part of the earlier mentioned GM omnibus and though it's quite different from its side-kick Feast/Ritual, it still keeps up the complete intensity and boosts it up little further. Jack Reed accidentally stumbles across an almost forgotten Gothic building, deep in the Michigan woods and immediately wants to buy it and turn it into country club in grand style. The problem is that it used to be a mental assylum for the worst criminally insane. And worse: the inmates suddenly decided to quit the place -- by reciting ancient druid magic that gives them total control of all elements, and thus allowing them to disappear into the walls of the building. There they were trapped by a Catholic priest. However, they kidnap Jack's son and use him as a way of coercing him to finally let them free. But it will take many sacrifices to bring the inmates their ultimate freedom... This is a strange novel with people being able to move into walls and through the earth as if it were only air itself; it is also filled, in usual Masterton style, with some of the most gruesome and painful deaths conceivable. All in all a great novel, not as good as Ritual but still very, very entertaining and unputdownable.   Grade: 9

Mirror (1988): My gosh! This was not the first book (that was Death Dream) but the first and only book by the man I bought in English at the local bookstore. I read it during a few tempestous days while our new appartment was being re-modelled. I got it, as always, due to the outrageously cruel pictures on the covers and dustjacket. What's inside was a strange interpretation of the tale Alice Through The Looking Glass: The Hollywood screenwriter Martin has found a mirror that used to belong to the 30s child star known as Boofuls. The famous, eight-year-old boy was hacked to pieces in front of that mirror by his own grandmother. And now, through that mirror, he comes back and demands that his unfinished musical may finally be finalized. When theatres open all of the world, that musical will bring forth the Devil... There are some great scenes in this great vintage-like story that makes you shudder the next time you look at yourself in the mirror. Not as bloody as really spooky and downright macabre and absurd!   Grade: 9

The Sleepless (1993): This is definately the most strange Masterton book I've ever read. Beside the most brutal and unimaginably tortures and depravities ever put on paper, this novel waves a far-fetched, nonetheless cleverly crafted, intrique weaving together biblical mythology with myths of vampyrism, the divine need for adrenaline and a people that cannot ever sleep... Unfortunately, The Sleepless is a bit too convoluted for my taste and not as "breathtaking" as some other perusings he's entertained us.   Grade: 7

Flesh & Blood (1994): Why this ridiculously embarrassing and underachieving title on such a masterful work? Certainly, it's about flesh and blood... but not in a Z-grade manner, not at the least. This tale undoubtedly brings the reader food for thought as it blends the mytholgy of The Green Traveller, or Janek-the-Green, who is a farmer that according to legend was sacrified and turned into a hybrid of man and tree. This thing has to travell with his few followers to bring the farmers healthy crops -- the only thing you have to do is invite him in ... so he can go to bed with your wife and 36 years later have his reward for the good havests -- the guts and blood of your children and grandchildren... Aside from these horrors, there's the great hog Captain Black that has gotten a brain implant from a child that was brutally murdered by his farther in order to save himself and his children from the Green Traveller. But it doesn't end here: There are the politicians and animal rights activists that are trying to pass a law against using animals in any way, may it be research or food... All these three parts come together magnificently in this story. Perhaps it is the best he's ever written.    Grade: 10